Have you felt sick before a social event or turned down an invitation because of how anxious it made you feel – even though a part of you really wanted to be there? Do you feel dread at the thought of doing something in front of others, like speaking, singing, eating or drinking? You’re not alone. Many people experience intense worry about how they’ll come across, whether they’ll say the “wrong” thing, or how others might judge them. You might find yourself rehearsing scenarios in your head and replaying interactions afterwards. If you do, you are not “going mad” and have nothing to be ashamed of. You may be experiencing something known as social anxiety.
Sometimes people wonder if what they are experiencing is just shyness. Whilst the two can look similar, they are different in nature and impact.
Shyness
Shyness is a normal personality trait. A shy person tends to feel slight emotional discomfort around others but not to the extent that it stops them making friends, going to work or doing the things they love. People who are shy tend to be more introverted and might even values their quieter traits. Because of this, shyness is not inherently a problem.
Social Anxiety
Social Anxiety involve having an intense fear of being judged, humiliated or shamed in front of others. This fear is to the extent that it affects their ability to sleep, eat and participate in everyday life. The anticipation of having to perform in someway or be around others in social situations can make a person feel nauseous. Their heart might start pumping very fast, or they might find they’re sweating, trembling. Some people might find they suddenly need the loo or feel incredibly tired.
Because the dread is so crushing, people tend to cope by avoiding social situations or feel they can only participate in limited ways – such as rehearsing what to say beforehand or standing near the exit. This avoidance can create more shame and worry about how others might perceive them. People with social anxiety tend to People with social anxiety often carry a deeply self‑critical inner voice, and this contributes to the cycle of fear and avoidance.
Diagnostic manuals refer to social anxiety as a “disorder”. I don’t favour this term, as it can feel shaming. But what they mean by it, is that the level of distress is significant enough to interfere with a person’s daily life and limits opportunities that would otherwise enrich their life.
When to seek help
If your anxiety lingers for days before or after a social event/interaction or that you’re avoid situations you’d otherwise want to attend because of fear about how others might perceive you, then it’s worth reaching out for support. You don’t have to spend your life hiding it, or managing it alone. Neither do you need to feel ashamed about it. What’s wonderful is that people can and do get better.
Treatment Options
CBT is the traditionally recommended treatment for social anxiety, but it is far more effective when combined with Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). In fact, CBT on its own can sometimes increase self‑criticism for people with strong shame‑based patterns. EMDR also has robust evidence behind it and can be highly effective.
If you’d like to learn more about these therapies, you can find information under Therapies Offered on my website. And if any of the above resonates with you – even if it’s not severe (you don’t have to wait until you’re on your knees) – and you’d like to explore how I can help or book an appointment, feel free to get in touch. I offer therapy in Guildford (face‑to‑face at The Eaves) and online across Surrey.
Written By Dr Katy Davis MSc DClinPsych Clinical Psychologist
10/07/26